DENIAL ANYONE?

I’ve found for myself that denial comes in two forms: denial of what is and denial of what could be. Both forms are exercised simultaneously.

Denying what is, is like hiding behind a barbed-wire cloak, stalled out, forever languishing in my suffering and bafflement at why things can’t be different.

When I do this stalling out behavior, I also close the door on what could be. All the laughter and joy, happiness and love available to me, as if I’m actually saying, “No thanks. I’d much rather be miserable.”

We all do it. Or have done it. And will most likely do it again. The cycle is never ending but preferably shortened or not as long lasting.

First, I need to begin to see the truth of what I don’t want to see. I can begin with red flagging certain phrases, behaviors, words, and feelings.

A favorite phrase of mine used to be, “That’s just how I am. There’s nothing I can do about it.” I used that one for a long time for anything and everything I didn’t want to change.

I used that phrase to stay in denial of my own fear: fear of talking with people, fear of trying something new, fear of taking care of myself, fear of setting boundaries, fear of…

I lived in the belief that I couldn’t change and it would be ridiculous to try because I would fail anyway. I stayed stuck in my own suffering. I believed that other people were so different than me that we could never be similar.

I didn’t see that I was building my own brick wall to block me off from the happiness and love I so desperately wanted.

The truth is, there are very few things about myself that are forever with me, and very little of those have anything to do with my thinking and/or behavior. Most of what can’t be changed on me is my physical self and even then there is some leeway.

Now of course, there are the factors of genetics and mental wherewithal that may limit what I can change in relation to my thinking and behavior but even then there’s always room to grow.

The first question may be, “Do I want to be different?” Simple enough to answer, right? Most of us will quickly say, “Damn straight I want to be different. Can’t stand the way I’m living.”

But the next question is where the rubber meets the road, as they say: “Am I willing to do whatever it takes to be different?”

Whoa, that’s where I will catch myself up short and say, “Well, not really. I don’t want to change that bad.”

This is the point when I need to rally my gumption and spunk and take a risk. Because, really, what do I have to lose? My suffering? My fear?

I have everything to gain. Why wait?

 

Image Source: Pixaby

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Musings

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  1. Re-looking at your posts starting in early summer, I sense a common thread weaving through them. I’don’t say it is perseverance; you make a good case for it.

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