Collecting Small Parcels

And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.

– Sylvia Plath

When reading this, all that came to mind was the ultimate of self-doubt—which happened to be the end result of Plath’s life—suicide. Unfortunately, her creativity was snuffed in 1963, and she left only what she gave prior to her demise.

She often found herself in two different states of being: “joyous positive and despairing negative.”

Her quote on self-doubt being “the worst enemy,” along with her extremes between positive and negative, headed into my being and shook my soul. I related.

I have emerged from many depths of despair in my life over the years to a place where I live in neither extreme, and, yet, the possibility of both are continuously there.

Even the other morning, having bounced between dreams of fear, I woke with self-doubt, that sneaky, persistent negativity that enjoys hiding in the shadows of my words and thoughts.

My spirit is easily led into the darkness—this is a truth about myself I cannot deny and no longer need to. With truth, I have a chance at productive action, like searching for writing that counters what my mind wants to drown me in.

There is no need for me to slow dance with self-doubt or the negativity that worms its way through my mind.

Instead, I can focus on creating, doing what doesn’t feel right, or more like feels useless, like: What’s the point anyhow?

The point is that after doing what doesn’t feel right, like being creative and productive, I carry less self-doubt.

Sometimes a day of living is a day of collecting the small parcels of reassurance, love, and service to build a mainstay for me to live upon. And with all things worth doing, there is an essence of faith that is exercised.

Faith that what I do today generates a significance worth cultivating, even if the result I pine is not the one I receive; ultimately, I always receive what I need.

 

 

 

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